How To Get What You Want

Dear Human,

There will be times when you will find yourself in want of something you desperately need. When those times occur, do not despair; you can always use your charming wiles to achieve your goal. If you are feeling short on wiles, feel free to use this step-by-step outline as a refresher course.

Step 1: Select A Goal

Lying on the counter does have its perks. I’m in the way, I can observe everything, and everyone fawns over me. However, it’s not the most comfortable perch. The bench (along with a comfortable bed) would be a preferable location in that regard.

Step 2: Make Your Desires Known

Sit on the bench and stare plaintively at the receptionist (or target of your choice). Flutter your eyelashes and look downcast. Let it be known that you are missing something and feeling incomplete. Play on the target’s emotions. If they think you are sad, they will try to comfort you.

Step 3: Play It Cool

This is a critical point. Try not to look too eager when they bring out what you want. You don’t want the target to feel as if they’ve been manipulated. The target should be left feeling as if they have spontaneously deduced and supplied your needs. If you are unable to adhere to these guidelines, the chance of being able to use the same target twice steeply decreases.

Step 4: Inspect The Goods 

All that being said, you also shouldn’t let the target off too easily (there is a fine balance that must be struck here). Make sure that the product given is not only up to the standard, but also holds up to your exact specifications. There’s no point in using your wiles if you are unable to get precisely what you want.

Step 5: Appreciation

You need to actually use the gift and show that you are enjoying it. The target needs to feel appreciated, or they will consider the experience to be a waste of time and won’t be as free with giving gifts in the future.

Step 6: Bonus

If you are exuberant in your demonstrations of appreciation and act appropriately cute, you may even receive a bonus gift of catnip.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how it’s done.

Comfortably Yours,

Lou