Ennui

Dear Human,

I know you have been desperately awaiting my missive and I apologize to have kept you in suspense for so long. I have been suffering from ennui.  What is “ennui,” you ask? Boredom. Weariness. DISSATISFACTION.

Have I not made it quite clear that I’m basically royalty here?

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#Regal

And yet NO ONE is willing to make sure I don’t waste away from lack of nourishment. “But Lou,” they tell me, “just don’t text us so unreasonably early.” Poppycock. Who’s still sleeping at 4 AM? What nonsense.

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Please note the lack of response after I made my needs PERFECTLY CLEAR

And I know you’re thinking, “Oh, Lou. You’re so wonderful and magnificent I’m sure your staff is already trying to make it up to you.”

Well, yes. Halfhearted attempts. They sent me a box.

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And I suppose the cozy blanket was nice.

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But really. How much fun can you have when your humans aren’t at your beck and call every hour of the day?

Sigh.

Suffering from ennui and waiting for a better peace offering,

Lou

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Beyond Words

Dear Human,

I’m so enraged it is difficult to put paw to paper. As you know, I am normally quite eloquent but this situation has rendered me nearly speechless. I do not even know where to begin. Should I start with the blog stealing, the complete lack of attention and respect from my staff, or perhaps the preposterous conclusion that I might not like boxes as much as the little pipsqueak does? AS IF ANYONE COULD LOVE BOXES MORE THAN I DO!

lou magnificent
Do you really need proof?

Excuse me while I hyperventilate into this paper bag…

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I will be calm, I will be calm, I will be calm…

Does she not understand that PLVH is a one cat clinic? That I am the only cat who matters here? That I do not deign to keep company with her, boxes or not? DOES SHE REALLY NOT SEE IT?

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Calm. I am calm.

And to my traitorous staff – you have stabbed me in the back. I do not know if I can ever forgive you.

virginia
The Virginia state seal expresses my current sentiments perfectly. #EtTuBrute #RevengeIsNigh

You have a lot to make up for, and I’d like to see you try.

Hurt and Betrayed,

Lou

If I Fits I Sits

Dear Human,

Today’s PSA is intended to remind you of one of the many cardinal feline rules: if you can fit in it, you can (and should) sit in it. And no, nothing is off limits.

Here are eleven occasions I was 10 times cozier than you ever will be:

1. This paper bag

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Never underestimate a good paper bag

2. This basket

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Yes, I am comfortable, thanks for asking

3. More paper bags

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Not only am I cozy, I’m also getting a free ride

4. Baskets, baskets, baskets

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Yes, I do love this basket. Why do you ask?

5. You can never really have too many paper bags

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You should be jealous of how cozy this bag is

6. This napping basket

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Is there really any better napping location?

7. The pharmacy

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I told you. Nowhere is off limits

8. Surgery drapes

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What? Did you want to sterilize these?

9. Boxes

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Need I say more?

10. Another napping basket

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You truly never can have enough of these

11. Really any box anywhere

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I’m sorry, did you need to use the xray table?

Jealous yet? You should be.

Smugly,

Lou

PS Cats are also liquids. This is another cardinal rule.

liquid cat
(weknowmemes.com)

Be My Valentine

Dear Human,

You may have heard through the grapevine that Valentines Day is the feast of St. Valentine which is observed on February 14th of every year. This is rubbish; merely a story invented to detract from the true meaning of Valentines Day. Valentines Day (like most holidays), actually originated as a form of worship to cats. I mean, think about it – Valentines Day is about hearts, love, acceptance, and catnip. Who should you have more love and catnip in your heart for other than your very own beloved cat? I rest my case.

On this day of worship I shall be expecting all manor of gifts, and I’ve even dressed up for the occasion.

loubow

In case you are feeling uninspired, I shall provide a list of gifts which would be acceptable.

  1. Catnip
  2. More Napping Baskets
  3. Flowers
  4. Catnip
  5. Naps
  6. Mice (the kind that don’t run too fast, as this is a day for relaxation)
  7. String (and lots of it)
  8. Catnip
  9. A Dog-Free Day
  10. Lots of Food (on the floor, not the xray table)
  11. Boxes
  12. An Acceleration to Spring (so I can enjoy my plotting walks outside)
  13. Fuzzy Blankets
  14. Catnip

I will be waiting patiently for your offerings.

louvday

Expectantly,

Lou

 

The Truth About Boxes

Dear Human,

It is a truth universally acknowledged that cats love boxes. As such, I oversee all shipments that come through the clinic.

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You may be thinking, “If cats love boxes so much, then why do they hate the cat carrier?” It is a common misconception that cats dislike their carriers. As a cat myself, I can assure you that any cat likes a small, cozy space in which they can curl up and nap. What we dislike are car rides. Cars smell funny, the music is bad, and they make a lot of unnecessary grinding noises. Even more unnerving than the car ride is the destination. You think it’s acceptable to wake a cat from its nap, throw it in the smelly car, and bring it to the vet’s office to be stabbed? Utter foolishness, Human. And don’t even get me started about having to share the back seat with the dog…

garfield

(www.epresspack.net)

But I digress; back to the boxes. Each box is thoroughly inspected for quality assurance. Painstaking investigations are undertaken to ensure that the product is tasty and appropriate for clinic use. Extensive time is spent with the product checking it over and testing it for flaws.

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Once the product has passed inspection, I allow the humans to relocate it to its proper place. I keep the box of course.

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Cozily Yours,

Lou