Royalty

Dear Human,

You know I’m royalty. I know I’m royalty. On occasion, my staff seems to forget that I am royalty. However, lately they have been doing their best to get back into my good graces and I have to commend them on a job well done. I know, I almost can’t believe it either.

To start with, they collected my favorite spring flowers and placed them in a prominent location on my front desk. Even more importantly, I’d like to draw your attention to what can be seen just behind the flowers. Who is that handsome guy lounging in the background? None other than yours truly. In fact, what you are looking at is an entire calendar filled with my handsome mug. Of course, it’s no secret I have always been quite the model.

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#CalendarLou

Speaking of which, beauty sleep is an important part of my daily regimen and it’s imperative that I have adequate napping locations. In addition to all my  napping baskets, my staff has taken to placing fluffy fleece blankets in various strategic locations around the clinic. This allows me to continue looking fabulous and keep my strength up so that I can rule with an iron fist be the best version of myself.

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#BeautySleep #Cozy

I’m also pretty excited about this gift from my staff:

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#Winning

As you can see, it’s basically a throne. “But Lou,” I can hear you thinking, “You’re a cat. You can jump anywhere you want to, you don’t need a step stool.” But you see, it’s not about needing it. It’s about wanting it. It’s about having my every wish granted.

And while we’re on the topic of granting wishes, here is the ultimate proof of loyalty from my staff.

Lou Facebook
#Dedication

Please direct your attention to the end of this Facebook post which details the multiple people who tried to capture the mouse for my enjoyment. Of course, being human, they were unsuccessful. That being said, I do appreciate the effort and will reward them appropriately for their devotion. However, you should be aware that dropping that mouse was no accident. Do not mistake my kindness for weakness. I was merely letting the mouse go to demonstrate the beauty of second chances. Just like I’m giving my staff a second chance after they ignored my early morning pleas for kibble last week. After seeing how hard they tried to catch that mouse for me I can almost forgive their previous indiscretions. The key word here being “almost.”

Royally yours,

Lou

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Ennui

Dear Human,

I know you have been desperately awaiting my missive and I apologize to have kept you in suspense for so long. I have been suffering from ennui.  What is “ennui,” you ask? Boredom. Weariness. DISSATISFACTION.

Have I not made it quite clear that I’m basically royalty here?

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#Regal

And yet NO ONE is willing to make sure I don’t waste away from lack of nourishment. “But Lou,” they tell me, “just don’t text us so unreasonably early.” Poppycock. Who’s still sleeping at 4 AM? What nonsense.

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Please note the lack of response after I made my needs PERFECTLY CLEAR

And I know you’re thinking, “Oh, Lou. You’re so wonderful and magnificent I’m sure your staff is already trying to make it up to you.”

Well, yes. Halfhearted attempts. They sent me a box.

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And I suppose the cozy blanket was nice.

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But really. How much fun can you have when your humans aren’t at your beck and call every hour of the day?

Sigh.

Suffering from ennui and waiting for a better peace offering,

Lou

Where There’s A Will There’s A Way

As the snow drifts down on a cold winter’s day

I’m looking for someplace that’s cozy to stay.

I wanted this box but it wasn’t quite right

I tried to squeeze in but it put up a fight.

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I found some new digs and they weren’t too shabby

But the color I think was suited more to a tabby.

So I went out in search of a new resting place

One I was hoping would better complement my face.

lou box

Next I found this neat bag but alas, what a plight

There was a cold draft and the fit was too tight.

I gave it the good college try for a while

But, in the end, it just wasn’t my style.

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I tried a new box thinking it couldn’t go wrong

And for a while the urge to nap there was quite strong.

The problem I think is my standards are high

And the urge for a blanket I just couldn’t deny.

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At last I took residence in another cat’s carrier

The fact it’s not mine really isn’t a barrier.

So now here I am and it’s here I will stay

For as I often declare, “Where there’s a will there’s a way.”

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The Cat Who Cried Wolf

Dear Human,

It seems I have angered my staff. It’s really quite unfair because they have no reason to be upset with me. If anything, I should be the one upset regarding the grievous injustice that occurred last night. I reached out in my hour of need to those I thought I could trust and was completely ignored.

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#ReasonableRequest

What does a cat need to do to get some attention around here? I was waiting all night cold, lonely, and sticky. They’re lucky that tape eventually fell off on its own. I could have been stuck for hours. I could have starved to death! It’s as if they don’t even care about me at all.

How dare they be angry with me?!

“Lou,” they told me, “That phone is only for emergencies.” “Lou,” they complain, “You woke me up from a sound sleep for no reason!” “Lou, don’t be so needy.”

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. See if I come to their aid when they ask me for help.

“But Lou,” you exclaim with concern, “this is your staff! Isn’t it important that they devoutly worship you?”

Well of course it is, but it’s not that hard to accomplish. They may be angry with me now but they will quickly regret my supposed transgressions when I turn my charms on them.

I mean, look how majestic I am.

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Look at me!

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It doesn’t get much cuter than this

How can you not help but kiss and make up when faced with so much magnificence?

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Always  managing to come out on top,

Lou

Lounging Like A Boss

Dear Human,

As we head into September we are faced with the hustle and bustle of young humans heading back to school and the inevitable return of cold weather praying that the cold weather will never come.

I myself have been enjoying these lazy summer days, and in keeping with the spirit of learning I’m willing to share some tips with you. Just this once.

Lou’s Edicts For Better Lounging

  • Find A Shady Spot: the absolute key to relaxation is comfort, and in order to be comfortable one must seek to maintain just the right temperature. In the winter months this requires demanding fleece blankets, which is quite simple. During the summer time you will find that there is a slightly larger array of options. For instance, lounging directly in front of the fan can be a great source of enjoyment. However, the best resources to keep in mind are the staff vehicles. They provide cooling shade as well as privacy, which makes them the perfect covert and comfortable spot to monitor your surroundings. “But Lou,” I can hear you protesting, “Surely you must worry about being so well hidden that your staff mistakenly runs you over!” Pfffftt. As if they would dare to do such a thing. We all know who really controls the comings and goings around here.

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  • Bring Adequate Snacks: my preferred method is pestering the receptionist until she provides an assortment of goodies for me. However, if that method ever fails there is no need to worry. Food will often just present itself to you when you need it.
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Lou vs. Mouse
  • Keep The Things You Enjoy Nearby: everyone needs a little entertainment now and again. The trick is to avoid putting too much energy into your toys and games. Ideally, you should be able to engage with the objects of your desire without ever having to move from your lounging position. If there isn’t anything to your liking nearby, meow loudly until someone brings you something more worthwhile.

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  • Utilize Your Staff: for example, below I can be seen wearing a number of fairly snazzy accessories. While I enjoy looking fabulous I don’t believe in taking time away from relaxation to adorn myself with such things when I have others who can do it for me. The technique I use is to lay on top of or next to the objects I desire. I then look forlornly at the nearest human until I have convinced them that I am desperately in need of assistance. Their nurturing instincts will take over and they will then diligently attend to my needs.

Lou Leashed And Unleashed

  • Keep Your Back To The Crowds: some days the weather conspires against me and it’s just not possible to sneak out doors for some solitude. On those days I find the front desk to be an adequately comfortable lounging location. However, this area can become quite loud and over run with humans. The best way to discourage others from disrupting you is to send a clear signal that you are above them, and have no wish to talk.

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These are just a few of the methods you can use to enhance your lounging experience. You’re welcome.

More comfortable than ever,

Lou

Making Amends

Dear Human,

When in doubt it’s always best to give someone the cold shoulder and withhold all affection, just to make sure they really know you’re angry.

After displaying outward disdain for a week, my staff did leave me an offering of flowers.

Lou

Flowers, BAH. They’re alright, I guess. I mean, they smell good. I just feel like they could have put a little more effort into this. For example, a tshirt that reads, “My staff betrayed me and all I got was this stupid shirt” would have exemplified at least mild effort and creativity.

If they were really set on the flower theme I feel that roses would have been a better option. Red of course, to symbolize the deep love that I know they must still have for me.

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The wine would be nice as well

I also would have accepted cake.

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“Sorry I betrayed you and I will forever be in your debt” would also be appropriate.

Any cake would have been fine, that’s just a suggestion. Then I could be as happy as this cat eating cake. Except happier, because my cake would be a symbol of human groveling and repentance.

cake cat

Maybe I should make a cake too, as a hint. My cake would look like this.

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I think this adequately expresses my feelings for you all

These are all just suggestions and I encourage you to use your own creative freedoms. However, if you think simple flowers are enough of a peace offering you have another think coming.

Looking forward to your future attempts,

Lou

Beyond Words

Dear Human,

I’m so enraged it is difficult to put paw to paper. As you know, I am normally quite eloquent but this situation has rendered me nearly speechless. I do not even know where to begin. Should I start with the blog stealing, the complete lack of attention and respect from my staff, or perhaps the preposterous conclusion that I might not like boxes as much as the little pipsqueak does? AS IF ANYONE COULD LOVE BOXES MORE THAN I DO!

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Do you really need proof?

Excuse me while I hyperventilate into this paper bag…

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I will be calm, I will be calm, I will be calm…

Does she not understand that PLVH is a one cat clinic? That I am the only cat who matters here? That I do not deign to keep company with her, boxes or not? DOES SHE REALLY NOT SEE IT?

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Calm. I am calm.

And to my traitorous staff – you have stabbed me in the back. I do not know if I can ever forgive you.

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The Virginia state seal expresses my current sentiments perfectly. #EtTuBrute #RevengeIsNigh

You have a lot to make up for, and I’d like to see you try.

Hurt and Betrayed,

Lou