Making Amends

Dear Human,

When in doubt it’s always best to give someone the cold shoulder and withhold all affection, just to make sure they really know you’re angry.

After displaying outward disdain for a week, my staff did leave me an offering of flowers.


Flowers, BAH. They’re alright, I guess. I mean, they smell good. I just feel like they could have put a little more effort into this. For example, a tshirt that reads, “My staff betrayed me and all I got was this stupid shirt” would have exemplified at least mild effort and creativity.

If they were really set on the flower theme I feel that roses would have been a better option. Red of course, to symbolize the deep love that I know they must still have for me.

flowers and wine
The wine would be nice as well

I also would have accepted cake.

sorry cake
“Sorry I betrayed you and I will forever be in your debt” would also be appropriate.

Any cake would have been fine, that’s just a suggestion. Then I could be as happy as this cat eating cake. Except happier, because my cake would be a symbol of human groveling and repentance.

cake cat

Maybe I should make a cake too, as a hint. My cake would look like this.

litter cake
I think this adequately expresses my feelings for you all

These are all just suggestions and I encourage you to use your own creative freedoms. However, if you think simple flowers are enough of a peace offering you have another think coming.

Looking forward to your future attempts,


Weekends On My Own

Dear Human,

Weekends here at PLVH are generally a quiet affair. The humans return home to relax and recover from the trials and tribulations I’ve put them through all week. Left to my own devices, I am free to run operations the way I like.


An offering of flowers was left to thank me for all the hard work I’ve been putting in recently.


Initially, I was very flattered and found this offering to be extremely delicious. However, in retrospect I believe the flowers were left as an attempt to poison me (no doubt part of a hostile takeover), as I felt quite queasy later on.



Additionally, I am displeased to report that the humans have continued to relocate my food to the top of the xray table, as opposed to leaving it on the ground where it should be. However, I have discovered various techniques which enable me to continue to eat my food on the floor, as is my preference. What is the point in being world clinic leader if one can’t eat ones food where one wishes?


All in all, I’d say it’s been a pretty productive weekend. Despite enjoying my time alone to rest and recuperate after training the humans all week, I must admit I was pleased with their return Monday morning. While there are benefits to having my clinic to myself, without them there’s no one here to provide massages and cuddles.


Affectionately Yours,